http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/04/fashion/couples-therapists-confront-the-stresses-of-their-field.html?pagewanted=3&_r=1

Here are my thoughts on the subject:

After reading the article in the NY Times about Coupes Therapy and therapists, I felt compelled to respond and open up some discussion. I have certainly had a few couples who were so angry and escalated in their arguments that I felt overwhelmed and not always sure how to manage the situation. However, a vast majority of the couples I see have certainly been in distress about their relationship, but have also been very respectful of the therapeutic process, respectful of the model of couple therapy I use (Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy) and I haven’t felt unable to help them. They have been willing to become vulnerable, over time, and to open up to each other. I felt the article didn’t do justice to couples therapists nor to the various couple therapy approaches that are successful, especially Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) approach, which has been empirically shown to be the most effective type of treatment for couples over time.

I will say, that prior to having extensive training and experience using EFT, I did often feel overwhelmed and not sure how to manage distressing situations in sessions. However, now I have a very clear road-map of where we are going and what we are working on: the underlying attachment injuries and wounds which lead couples into distressing, escalated negative cycles. The couples I see understand that I am in this therapy work as their partner and guide in helping them get to their ultimate goal of a close, secure attachment in which each of them feels emotionally safe to express their underlying fears, longings and needs. Ultimately, I consider myself on the journey with them to help them slow their cycle down so that they can become clearer about their own emotional distress, how they get triggered and learn ways to express their feelings to their partner.

I have been truly humbled by my work with couples and the realization of how important and vital a safe, secure attachment is to all people.

Sincerely,

Marie

Sometimes it can help to just do a few workshops or just read a few books, rather than try to read every book that comes out. Here are two organizations that have been around for a long time and are known to have wonderful, useful and successful workshops: the YMCA of Metro Washington or Parent Encouragement Program.

For suggested books, please go to my website: www.CounselingForContentment.com under the Resources link and you’ll find some well-known books to read.

Being a part of relationship takes work, commitment and the ability to experience and express emotions.  There has been more and more research about how attachment to one another is based on feeling ones needs being met, being able to let someone know what you need and being able to share ones fears and longings for the relationship. The ability to be vulnerable and share these needs, fears and longings has proven to be a vital part of keeping people connected. Here is a wonderful and enlightening video of a speech given by Brene Brown, a clinical social worker who has done research into this area.  I hope it will help you understand more about being human and the importance of being able to risk your feelings to help heal a relationship.

VIDEO: THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY

Another one I find interesting helps to reassure us all that we really do feel better on weekends and this is true around the world. Twitter Tracks Emotions

Enjoy!

Happy Kids

There are so many documentaries to see and newspaper articles to read which are enlightening, thought-provoking and worth the time.  The “Race To Nowhere” is one that I would highly recommend, especially if you have children in school. As many of you may realize, I’m a proponent of finding contentment, slowing down and learning to not over-extend in order to make life manageable.  Yet we, as a society, overburden our children with the message that doing more is better, getting involved in multiple activities is the norm and if you’re not taking the most challenging courses in high school, then you’re falling short!  This message has created a society of extremely stressed out children and parents and to many incidents of depression, anxiety and getting involved in risk-taking behavior (drinking, drugging, sex) in order to cope.  Consider what it would be like to do the following, instead:

1.  Pay attention to your child and her/his needs: who are they, really.  What are their interests versus yours? What can he or she handle given their age, development, personality, homework load and so on. Be thoughtful in the decisions to add activities.

2. How much are you sacrificing your own “sanity” to provide for your kids? I often feel that parents are neglecting their own needs in order to give their children “every” opportunity. However, I believe this has a cost to a parent’s own satisfaction or getting their own needs met (of quiet time, for interests of their own, for socializing).  There can also be a huge impact on their marriage – especially if the child’s activities interfere with couples’ time.

3. Figure out why you are having your child do so many things: is it to keep up with what others are doing?  Do you really believe it’s in the best interest of your child – if they’re staying up late doing homework, not getting enough sleep, and becoming overwhelmed – is it worth it? Is it because you weren’t given the opportunities as a child, so you want to indulge your own child? Just be CLEAR about the choices you and your child make and that it really fits in with your own values, lifestyle, financial situation and child’s personality.

4.  BE MINDFUL of your own level of stress: parents who are stressed, overwhelmed and over-extended may also miss the warning signs of their own child suffering.  As well, parents who are experiencing depression and/or anxiety because of their daily stresses, aren’t much help to their children.  The idea of HEALTHY PARENTS = HEALTHY CHILDREN goes a long way – at least in terms of being PRESENT for your children and being able to model balance and a healthy lifestyle.

Watch the movie and see what you think – re-evaluate your own lifestyle and begin to pay attention to your owns needs and those of your child(ren).

Lonliness After Evacucation

Two weeks ago, I read the article “Displaced Diplomats Caught Between Two Worlds” (Washington Post, March 3, 2011) and I had an immediate, visceral reaction of panic: butterflies in my stomach, disorientation and sadness.  It amazed me that I could have this response after 32 years – the time I was evacuated from Islamabad, Pakistan on November 21, 1979!

Sadness After Dislocation

At that time, I was 16 years old, in love for the first time and relishing my overseas high school experience when I was suddenly told, during a family vacation and on a train to visit Mohenjadaro, that we were being re-routed to Karachi because the American Embassy of Islamabad had been “sacked”.  There was rioting in the streets, the killing of a young American marine guard and a large fire forcing embassy personnel into their secure vault, with a raging fire impending. This all occurred during the turmoil around the Iran-hostage crisis.  We were all terrified, disoriented and unsure of what the future held.  We were immediately evacuated with other Americans and landed in Arlington, Virginia, very much like those families in the article.

I have never returned to my Pakistan home, never said “good-bye” to my local friends and was never able to bring closure to this experience.  This experience, like many of my peers at the time, had lifelong effects, some large, some small.  There were many families that suffered in great ways, including suicides, drug/alcohol/prescription drug addictions, divorce and other mental health issues.

Like these children in the article, my brothers and I were immediately registered in a local public high school in Bethesda, Maryland and thrown into a situation in which I never felt connection or a sense of belonging, never felt understood and always felt so “different” than everyone else, despite my blond hair and blue eyes.  My internal grief was great but I was also numb, going through the motions but not feeling anything – a true reaction to trauma.

Supporting Each Other

There was no support for families, back then, and no sense of the trauma that all families went through in dislocating them from their homes, lifestyle and support network.  This experience lead me into the field of Clinical Social work and my desire to help people deal with all kinds of adjustment issues.  I have been working as couple and family therapist since 1992 and love the work I do in helping couples and families strengthen resilience and nurture secure attachments.

Times have changed a lot since that time 30 years ago – if anything it seems like the world is a less stable, less safe place for Americans living abroad.  I can only imagine that there will be more and more times when Americans are evacuated and dislocated.  I hope that the State Department and any other organization that is in a position of having to evacuate personnel, will consider the dramatic and traumatic impact this has on families and children and provide a network of support to help them through – this is vital and necessary in order to process current stress reactions and to prevent future difficulties in living.

As I think about these families and children, my heart goes out to them and I feel their bewilderment, frustration, fear and sadness about their change of circumstances and grief over lost experiences.  I hope that they are all able to go back to their lives soon and continue out their high school experience in their respective overseas homes.

TO THE EDITOR:

Can you please pass along my information below to whomever you might have contacted at the apartment complex or let me know whom I can contact.

Marie Caterini Choppin, LCSW-C

301-625-9102

www.CounselingForContentment.com

Silver Spring and Bethesda, Maryland Office

I would like to offer my services to these families who have arrived recently under these circumstances by providing a support group for the adolescents and families and a safe place to process their experience, their feelings of disorientation, anger and despair.  If anyone is in need of a place to talk with someone who has lived the experience, please have them contact me at 301-625-9102 or visit my website at www.CounselingForContentment.com.

Marie Caterini Choppin, LCSW-C

I have noticed that my husband and I are always getting stuck in the same sorts of arguments – they always end with me being upset and angry and my husband shutting down and leaving the scene.  I feel like we’re going around in circles doing the same dance – stepping on each others toes and never getting it right.  Help!

Sincerely,

Stuck in the same old dance!

Dear Stuck in the same old dance,

I’m glad you reached out to ask some advice about how to change your “dance” – it’s the first step towards feeling better.

Many couples experience this sense of “stuckness” in the same types of arguments, patterns of behavior in an argument and/or having no resolution to the problems being discussed.  This is often because a couple has become disconnected, emotionally, and feels unable to re-connect, make amends and feel calm, again, with each other.  The reactions they experience in an argument are usually being triggered by underlying needs or fears.  When these needs or fears get triggered, a person might become critical of the other person, get defensive, attack back, and/or withdraw for protection. When this pattern continues over time, for many years, and both partners feels so isolated from each other, it’s time to get help.  Here are some steps you can take to begin a discussion about what needs and fears are really getting triggered and how to express those feelings.

1) Designate a time to devote to this discussion.

2) Before doing this, you both should take some time to ask yourself these questions:

• Am I feeling hurt, feeling disrespected,feeling unappreciated?
• Am I afraid of losing this person and being alone?
• Am I feeling like this person doesn’t really care about me anymore?

These are some questions that can get at the underlying fears and longings about your relationship which you can then speak more openly about to the other person.

3)  Start by making sure both of you are willing to take part in this discussion and to really listen and not-react – just to hear what the person is experiencing.

4) Give the other person a chance to also explain how they’ve been feeling.

5)  These discussions may actually get you back into the same cycle or pattern – you can also say “Cycle” or label the cycle (i.e. “dragon”) so that you both can stop a cycle by using the word, taking a break and trying to have the conversation, again.

Holding hands with a loved one actually calms a person down.

Depending on how many years this negative cycle has been going on, it may really be necessary to get a marriage counselor/therapist involved to be help you get this resolved.  Finding an Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist, who specializes in understanding these “dances” and helps a couple create a save place to discuss these difficult emotional experiences is probably going to be the best option.

When couples get stuck in a “dance” where they can’t dance together and are actually hurting each other and creating more distance, it’s important to seek help to understand what’s going on in the relationship and to work towards re-connecting and re-vitalizing their relationship.  It’s definitely worth the extra work to make your dance one that is harmonious and loving!

Sincerely,

Marie

IMPACT ON COUPLES

Today’s couples are more dependent on each other for emotional support than ever before because of the difference in how our society functions – a nuclear family, less extended family near-by; more two-earner families, less mothers at home; more hours commuting to work; less time at home; more child-centered activities, less leisure time.  This means that couples don’t have as much time to devote to themselves or to nurturing friendships – they depend on each other for all of this and less on the support of family and friends.  This leads to more pressure on the couple to be “everything” to the other. Given the intense dependence on one another, if one person in the partnership suffers from symptoms of ADHD, there is an even greater pressure on the other partner to provide even more.  Dr. Hallowell and his wife, Susan Hallowell (a social worker) have written a book about this called “Married to Distraction”.
http://www.adhdmarriage.com/  If you suspect that you or your partner have ADHD, make sure to get an assessment and take a look at this book for guidance.

MEDITATION FOR ADHD

One of the most salient symptoms of someone with ADHD include hyperactivity or the feeling that there’s a motor running all the time and he/she can’t settle down to concentrate, unless it’s something about which he/she is passionate.  Those with the “inattentive type” (without hyperactivity) suffer with the feeling of being in a “fog” or daydreaming a lot and not being able to focus on the moment. With either symptom, practicing MINDFULNESS is of incredible value and it helps to focus the mind.  This practice includes closing ones eyes, breathing deeply and focusing on the sensations of the breath going in and out – the challenge is to not let wandering thoughts enter your concentration on the breath. Doing this for 5 minutes can be enough to calm oneself down.

Practicing this type of meditation has been proven to benefit the mind and body. Here are some useful sites to explore and learn about meditation:

http://www.tm.org/research-on-meditation

Mindful Medication Practice
Insight Meditation Community – D.C. Area
Meditations
Whether you suffer with ADHD or have a loved one with it, it will benefit you and that person to practice mindfulness and meditation:
BREATH, BE MINDFUL AND ENJOY THE MOMENT.

If you have a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD, you are already becoming familiar with what you should know about how to parent your child.  As well, you are hopefully getting help for yourself, your family and your child through parent guidance, social skills groups, tutoring/coaching, psychotherapy and school accommodations.  However, if you are wondering about your child, here is an important website to access to find out about ADHD – the Children And Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder (CHADD).  As well, there are many on-line questionnaires that you can fill out to get an assessment.  Getting a clear assessment and diagnosis is essential to making sure that you are doing what you need to, as a parent, to help your child and yourself.

Some very specific, easy ways to help an ADHD child are to: 1) develop very clear routines for homework, bedtime, going to school; 2) use a reward system/behavior chart for specific behaviors you want to address; 3) be clear about expectations; 4) Give your child appropriate warnings about changes in a schedule or transitions; 5) point out the positives you see in your child all the time (be specific – “I notice how well you kick the ball”. 6) Help them learn meditation/deep breathing/relaxation techniques.

Of course, books abound on the subject, but the most well-known ones can be found here: ADHD Resource Book List

Remember, having a child with ADHD is challenging for everyone, but especially for parents.  However, people with ADHD can also have wonderful, creative minds which can be channeled in positive ways. Take care of yourselves, along this journey, since you’re such a vital part of your child’s ability to learn to manage and take care of their symptoms.
Sincerely,

Marie Caterini Choppin, MSW, LCSW-C
Counseling For Contentment LLC

http://www.CounselingForContentment.com

Counseling For Contentment LLC | 4405 East-West Hwy, Suite 508 | Bethesda | MD | 20914

The laundry is piling up, dishes have to be done, your 2 year old needs a diaper change, your 4 year old is demanding your attention and you just realized your 8 year old has been watching TV for over an hour – you are OVERWHELMED, feeling GUILTY, and just want to take shower!  What can you do to remain the “eye of the hurricane” – calm, tranquil, and in-control while NOT neglecting your own needs? This is a never-ending challenge in the world of motherhood.

Having children and being a mother is the most rewarding, exciting and absolutely exhausting job anyone can have.  Whether you’re a stay-at-home mother, work part-time or work full-time, your mothering job never ends.  The needs of your children will vary depending on a variety of things including their gender, their age, their learning style, their temperament, their birth order and what kind of support you have around you–a partner, extended family, friends, and/or a community with other families.  As well, how you manage motherhood depends on your own temperament, coping skills, how you were raised, your own family history and the demands placed on you by others (co-workers, your boss, partner, extended family, friends, etc.)

More often than not, mothers neglect their own needs in support of being a nurturer, caretaker and all around “manager” of the household.  However, when mothers neglect themselves, they can develop resentment, anger, frustration and stress and then resort to negative coping skills such as over-eating, alcohol consumption, staying up too late, neglecting creativity, not making time for a social life and/or creating barriers with their partner.  If these things happen, then you are ultimately going to have a more difficult time being the mother you want to be

Here are some things you can do to help yourself remain calm in the moment and take care of yourself when the demands and needs of others are taking over and you’re not sure you can manage.

1) Live in the present moment – Try and have some “playtime” for yourself. If we neglect our own inner child, we often forget how to play, relax and enjoy. As As Thich Nhat Hanh, a famous Buddhist master says, “A child lives in the present moment….maybe we have not had enough time to take care of the child within us”.  (see Taming The Tiger Within by Thich Nhat Hanh

2) Remind yourself:  This, too, will pass. It can often feel like things will never change or you’ll never get through this difficult moment (i.e., in the grocery store with a 2 year old in a tantrum) – just say to yourself something positive – “I can do this”; “I’ve done it before”, “This will pass”,

3) Be creative in the moment – changing gears and trying something different in the moment can have a dramatic affect – for example, stop what you’re doing, sit on the floor with your child and just listen/play or just “be” with him/her – it’ll go a long way and give your child the attention they’re demanding

4) Take 5 – 10 deep breaths – this may seem like a silly thing to do and not much use – however, it has been proven that when people are under stress, they often breathe more rapidly and less deeply, thus not getting oxygen to their brain in order to think clearly.  Take some deep breaths, allows you to get oxygen to your brain, calm down and then plan a strategy to manage the moment of stress.

For Self-Care outside of the moments of stress – try these things:

1) SPEND TIME ALONE: Spend 30 minutes a week completely away from everyone and everything – this could mean taking a walk by yourself (without your ipod or just sitting on your living room couch with your family away; observing nature in your front yard -  just let your mind wander and have a space to think OR just not think about anything and just concentrate on enjoying the moment.

2) BE CREATIVE: Spend 30 minutes doing something creative – something you really enjoy that doesn’t require “thinking” in the way you typically do: listening to music, painting, playing an instrument; drawing; playing basketball. The idea is to get away from your typical routine, chores, obligations and do something for yourself.

3) BE STILL – Meditate – try to clear your mind completely and just “be” in the moment – listen to your breathe, the sounds around you, getting rid of any thoughts that come into your mind.

Doing any or all of these things can begin to create a feeling of calmness and contentment (or even creativity and energy) which centers on what YOU need and not the demands of others or being pulled in many directions. When you begin to be with yourself, then you will hear your own VOICE about what you need and be more appreciative of what you have.

Remember that motherhood is for a lifetime but your children grow and change and will be gone before you know it!  Enjoy the moments, notice the moments and be still with your family before you realize that time has passed.